Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
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[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok