ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
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My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.