GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
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me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
huge if true: the moon
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those