an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
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I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.