stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.