Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
You Might Also Like
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living