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I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.