Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
You Might Also Like
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.