ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
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something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
i was baptized in a car wash
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!