ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
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My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Check out the legs on this baby
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn