Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
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Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Awwwww shit.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years