Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
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Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Erm I’m gonna say no
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious