Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
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Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Jupiter
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ