me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.