ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
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Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.