How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table