That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
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ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.