Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
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[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?