Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES