Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
You Might Also Like
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.