me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
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Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
called in thicc to work this morning
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying