me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
You Might Also Like
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
#Caturday
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.