ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
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If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Tier 3 meme
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good