me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.