[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
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“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Smooooooth
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing