me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.