Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Herpes is trending, good job people
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
the composer
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”