[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
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Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.