Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
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A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.