I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
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*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I cannot call her anything else now
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
*watches the world burn*
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week