Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
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People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that