Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
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I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
This kid is going places
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
I’m good, thanks.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”