Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ