Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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This one’s “Alex”.
Room with a view.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.