Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
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I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.