Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
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When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Jesus steals the winter solstice
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
meanwhile over on facebook
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.