Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
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Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
It’s actually Dr. whatever
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.