Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
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quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
My boss called in sick of me
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm