Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
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So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
u spoke cat all this time??????
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.