Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
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I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults