Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
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“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?