[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
tell em, edith-anne
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
the pigeons are already plenty salty
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
How to wake up a Beagle
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍