ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire