ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
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Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: