Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Twitter remains undefeated
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.