@Carbosly: Me blacking out when I'm drunk is God's way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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@The_JRM: 5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He'll be sad that I abandoned them! Me: Want to call him & apologize? 5: You don't have his phone number.
@Storminika: Cops are kinda weird, asking stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Cause I have weed in the glove compartment?
@imdaintyaf: Please don't put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
@aPunch2theJunk: I work with a guy named Rick. I'm pretty sure he spells his name with a silent "P."