Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
That’s it.I’m out.
I am, perchance
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
is this store having a stroke wtf
Heroic Misunderstanding
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.