I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–