Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
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Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
“you recording!?”
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up