*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
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Why font matters.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?