Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
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gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
😂🤣😂🤣
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple